


We don't have to pay rent not one single cent

by sandyk



Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: Also Teddy Mr. Fischoeder Felix Fischoeder appear, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-07 16:49:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5463890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandyk/pseuds/sandyk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We don't have to pay rent, not one cent - it's not just Linda's song, it's really happening to the Belcher family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We don't have to pay rent not one single cent

**Author's Note:**

  * For [strix_alba](https://archiveofourown.org/users/strix_alba/gifts).



> not mine, no profit garnered.

"And you can't take it back?" Bob sounded confused and pessimistic and maybe, just a touch, full of wonder.

"No," Mr. Fischoeder said. "No, he can not."

Felix whined. "Yes, I can."

"No, you can not," Mr. Fischoeder said. "You said if you failed at that ridiculous game, you would pay rent for Bob here for the entire year. I will take it out of your allowance."

"No, no, no," Felix cried as he trailed Mr. Fischoeder out of the restaurant. 

"Our rent is paid," Bob said.

"We don't have to pay rent! We don't have to pay a cent!" Linda sang with verve. 

Tina said, "Do we pay the rent now?" 

"Almost always," Bob said. "I don't know what to do in this situation. I'm not sure what happens now. Is this feeling hope? Or joy? Does anyone know what those feel like? Does anyone in this family know what this is happening on my face?"

"Dad, I know what joy is," Gene said. "It's the perfect song that tickles your pickle, the fart that is pure art, the taco that tacos like no other taco ever tacoed!"

"That is not helpful," Bob said. 

\---

"Bobby, you hurt my feelings when you said you didn't recognize the feeling of joy," Linda said. "What about when we got married? What about our kids? What about that one Thanksgiving when there were no hijinks and you cooked the turkey perfectly?"

"That was a good day," Bob said, looking off into the distance. "But you know what I have never felt before now? Being the owner of a restaurant that is in the black. We are, right?"

"Actually, yes," Linda said. She put down the checkbook. "We can write all the checks and none of them will bounce. I don't have to talk to anyone at the bank."

"We could start a college fund," Bob said.

"For which kid?"

They both said, "Tina," at the same time. "I love Gene," Linda said. "But."

"And Louise shouldn't be somewhere where she'd be that protected from prosecution," Bob said. 

"Think of the things we could do," Linda said. "Think about it, Bobby."

Bob visualized a sno-cone machine, a beautiful espresso machine, a gleaming kitchen, knives of the sharpest steel, and ingredients grown by his own hand in his own garden that he magically made happen on the roof. Linda visualized her own recording studio.

"You know," Bob said. "Things go wrong. Things go wrong all the time for us."

"They really do," Louise said. "I was visualizing my own apartment with a great white shark as my roommate. How about you guys?"

"Recording studio," Linda said. 

"Where did you come from, Louise? You didn't hear anything, did you?"

"I came from Mom's vagina, Dad, you know. YOU WERE THERE. And I did not hear you deciding I should not have a college fund. Which I am fine with, because eh, higher education, who needs it? But I still want the money, of course. I need a trainer for my shark."

"Let's just buy nothing crazy for a month. No recording studios, no great white sharks, just, maybe, upgrades and repairs. Let's do that," Bob said.

Louise said, "How am I supposed to train my shark to dive for gold? Do you think I can do that alone?"

\-----

"Whoa, I can't believe you did it, Bob," Teddy said. "You made a profit for one whole month."

"And we only spent the profit on fixing things, and upgrading things, all for the restaurant," Linda said sadly. 

"No sign of a talking toilet," Gene said, bitterly. "He was my good friend."

"This month we can have a little fun, right, Dad?" Tina did her best to sound plaintive. It did not work.

"Maybe," Bob said. "Let's see where we are at the end of the month."

"You're a liar, DAD," Louise said, climbing on top of the counter and pointing at him. She held up a grocery bag. "You bought organic kohlrabi! You did, Dad! You did that!"

"Yes, Louise, I've made some small upgrades to the ingredients. Everyone knew that," Bob said.

"I knew that," Teddy said. 

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH, TEDDY," Louise said. "Do you even know what kohlrabi is? It is not a rabbi with eyeliner, Teddy, don't try to say that."

Teddy hung his head. "I do not know what kohlrabi is."

\---

"Okay, we can buy one stupid thing," Bob said. "We had our second month of profit, and I can not believe I just said those words. Can we record that? Do we have a video camera? I want to record that. I want to play it on a loop for everyone who said we couldn't do it."

"We couldn't do it," Tina said. "Not until Felix lost that bet."

"But he did lose!" Linda smiled. "He lost and we are profitable. Actually, we've been getting more customers thanks to all of your dad's upgrades. We could almost pay rent if we had to."

"But we are not going to at all," Gene said. "We are going to buy me the best keyboard ever."

"We are going to buy a real pony," Tina said. 

"We are going to buy a robot shark and use it to make the whole town bow down to us," Louise said. "And also some of the dogs. But not those ones behind Wonder Wharf. Those dogs aren't scared of anything."

"That is true," Bob said. "Why doesn't animal control round them up? Why do they just get to roam free?" He shook his head. "Anyway, we aren't doing any of those things. Everyone think of another stupid thing we can buy."

"Dream date with Boyz 4 Now!" Tina said. 

"No, no," Louise said. "Not even if stupid Boo Boo is there. Not even then." 

Gene said, "Dream date with the best keyboard ever that never ends and we get to keep it!"

Louise said, "Robot tiger that also hypnotizes and mind controls local cats into our own roving band of feline domination!"

Linda said, "Recording studio!"

Bob said, "Oh my god, I have the best idea. Let's buy a huge billboard and set it up right in front of Jimmy Pesto's stupid restaurant. It can be NEON and NEVER TURN OFF, hahahhahaaaaaaaaaa."

"You dream small," Louise said. "But it is a stupid thing. Unlike mine."

Linda said, "Let's break our stupid money into five parts and go to the mall and unleash ourselves. And make sure you buy something that is completely impractical."

So they did that. Bob came back with a brand new turkey baster. He couldn't bring himself to use it, though, because of the way the old baster looked at him. Linda bought new glasses, and they were completely impractical because they were shaped like hearts and not her prescription. "I should not have followed the instructions so closely," she said. 

Tina bought barrettes that were shaped like horses. "It's like it's galloping through my brain," she said. Zeke said they looked cool and Jimmy Jr wondered out loud why Tina even wore a barrette. 

Gene bought the most keyboard he could get with his money which was only a rainbow sequined band that enabled him to play it like it was a key-tar. He already had one, but this one sparkled. 

Louise bought gold with her money and hid her two tiny bars in a special hiding place she'd made in the basement for just such an occasion.

They had even more stupid money to split the next month. And more the month after that. At one point Gene was able to upgrade his old keyboard. Tina bought shoes with horses on them. Louise had too many gold bars to fit in her secret hiding place and had to make another one. Linda bought a karaoke machine. Bob got an apron with customized embroidery in the shape of a spatula. Then he got one with a hamburger. "Should have gone with that the first time," Louise said. 

"This is financial stability," Linda said. "I never knew how it could feel."

"Me neither," Bob said. "This is going to go wrong, isn't it?"

"But it hasn't yet," Linda said. "Let's sing some Donna Summer, would you like that, Bobby?"

"God, I really would," Bob said.


End file.
